So, have you ever thought about what might actually happen if you let your best self come out? See, I have a lot going on and so many ducks are in a row for me and new doors just keep coming my way! Sometimes, I think there is a destructive side of me that is afraid to keep going. Afraid of my own expectations, afraid of my perception of other people’s expectations.
I am at a place where I need to make a shift or I am never going to grow and never let myself fully blossom. This is an equally scary and beautiful place to be. A lot to get in order and lot to let go. It really is in a way like turning on a light in a messy room. So much to organize but man what a great space! Have you ever thought to yourself, “man if people could just really see all that I have to offer?”…For some reason I think so many of us get in our own way. I know I do this and I just am so curious to see what happens as I put down the crap and pick up the love. First and foremost the love for myself, which starts with every action and thought I may have about myself and really taking care of myself. I am a perpetual people pleaser and not just because I want to be liked, but because I really want the best for people and want to help. In doing this a lot I tend to forget my own self-care and when I am not eating right and/or getting the proper *me* time (Which usually means music time :)) or making time to exercise and just relax, I get anxious and I am not letting the real me shine through because then everyone is only getting a spread thin percentage of me. I am lucky enough in this life to have learned my vices and it is WAY OBVIOUS when I am off the beam. (Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so self-aware as I would probably be easier on myself… total recovering perfectionist!…except maybe with my grammar :)) )
I received a phone call from a friend of mine today who I have not heard from in years! he called me because one of my songs came on on his ipod. As I listened to what he had to say, his voice filled with such motivation, authority and gusto I got a little teary-eyed. He called to tell me that every time a song of mine pops up on his ipod he thinks to himself “What is this girl doing??? I mean I know you love teaching but what are you static static (message was going in and out due to bad reception ;)) doing? The timing of this message has been crazy and so many new musical opportunities have been showing up left and write. (Not to mention I have a whole album’s worth of songs waiting to be set free) I adore my teaching job! However there is still such a hunger in me to write and perform! (Actually enjoy the songwriting side a bit more and love helping other artists write…so fulfilling to watch the excitement of someone I am helping to give their song life :)) Why can’t I do both? Exactly WHY????
This brings me to the title of this blog. I think we all have so much to give in this world and there are those of us who somewhere along the line just sorta “got it” and have been able to push through their demons and let their lights out. Then I think there are those of us who know with all of our hearts we have it…and we get close…but then we get our hearts broken by a disillusionment or by letting outside sources (people, media, parents, stupid mean people ;)… don’t worry they have not found their light yet…they will and then will find you and apologize) , the “movie” of our lives not going according to the script…etc… Well, maybe today we throw out the script and make a new one! What if from now on we tell the old negative voices to shut the heck up! I don’t want to be afraid anymore. Time to open the shades! Don’t even know if anyone will read this…but there is something cathartic about getting all these thoughts up and out! I wish everyone tonight the courage to not be afraid of your own light! I will do my best to shine mine too…deal? :) *pinky swear*
*woot* squared,
~Starr
